Few experiences in life are felt as deeply as the death of someone you love. In the aftermath, you might find yourself overwhelmed by emotions that feel unfamiliar or hard to name. Some days might bring numbness, others an all-consuming sadness. At times, you may need solitude; at others, the company of loved ones.
If you’re trying to make sense of what you’re going through, you may find yourself researching the stages of grief. The five stages, or seven as it’s commonly viewed, are a psychological framework adapted to describe the emotional journey that follows a significant loss. They can help you understand what you’re feeling, and put a name to experiences that might otherwise feel isolating or confusing.
Here, we’ll aim to explain the most widely recognised models of grief, what you may experience at each stage, and why grief is ultimately unique to the individual.
The stages of grief are not a fixed path or a set of rules. They are a way of describing emotional experiences that many people share in the wake of loss. Not everyone will go through every stage, and there is no particular order. They exist simply to offer a framework that can bring some clarity during an incredibly difficult time.
The most commonly discussed models are the five or seven stages. In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying, developed through her work with patients facing terminal illness.
The five stages were:
While this model has been expanded over time, it is important to remember that no single framework can fully capture the complex reality of grief.
In the hours, days, or even weeks following a death, the world can feel strangely unreal. You may know that your loved one is gone, yet some part of you struggles to accept it. You might still expect them to walk through the door, or reach for your phone to call them, only to be met with the weight of remembering.
This is the mind’s way of protecting itself, creating space to absorb something too large to process all at once. Gradually, as that protective layer begins to lift, the emotions that have been held back start to surface.
Grief and anger are more closely connected than people often realise. You may find yourself asking “why did this happen, why them, why now?” and feeling the deep unfairness of it all. That anger might be directed at doctors, at friends who still have their loved ones, or even at the person who died for leaving you. Sometimes it can turn inward.
It helps to understand that anger in grief is rarely just anger. More often, it sits atop a pain that feels too raw to face directly. As the anger gradually softens, it often reveals the deep hurt it was protecting.
This stage is often characterised by a relentless replaying of events. The mind searches backward through conversations and decisions, looking for the moment things could have gone differently. “If only we’d caught it earlier.” “If only I’d said something.” These thoughts can become exhausting and relentless.
You may often find yourself attempting to negotiate or make promises, with yourself or sometimes to a higher power if you are religious or spiritual, in the hope of lessening your pain or bringing your loved one back. Even though you know that these bargains cannot change what has happened, the mind reaches for them anyway. Bargaining can feel like a way of gaining control, but it can keep you from facing the reality of your loss.
At some point, the full weight of the loss settles in. Even simple acts such as getting out of bed, eating, or holding a conversation can feel like considerable effort. You may withdraw from the people around you or struggle to imagine the future.
What this might look like:
When to reach out
If these feelings are persistent and beginning to affect your ability to function day to day, reaching out to a therapist or support network can help you through this period.
Acceptance is perhaps the most misunderstood of the five stages. It does not mean being okay or having moved on. Rather, it means learning to live in a world that includes this loss. You begin to have moments, then hours, then perhaps whole days where grief isn’t your dominant feeling. You can remember your loved one with warmth alongside the sadness. At some point, you start to see a future for yourself, even though it looks different from what you’d imagined.
It’s important to know that acceptance isn’t always permanent. You might feel you’ve reached it, then find yourself back in anger or sadness around anniversaries or unexpected moments. That’s completely normal.
Some people find that the seven stages of grief offer a more complete picture of the grieving process. This expanded model builds on Kübler-Ross’s original framework while acknowledging a broader emotional range:
The seven stages of grief are:
As with the five stages, the seven stages of grief are ways of describing common experiences. They are not a checklist you have to complete to heal.
Grief is, above all else, a uniquely personal experience. While frameworks like the five or seven stages can offer a helpful language for what you are going through, they were never intended to serve as a fixed sequence. The reality is that grief rarely follows a straight line.
You may find yourself moving between stages in no particular order, or find that a stage you thought had passed resurfaces weeks or months later, triggered by something as small as a familiar smell or a song on the radio. There is no correct order, no stage that must be completed before the next can begin, and no version of grief that is more valid than another. The shape of your experience will be influenced by your relationship with the person you lost, the circumstances of their death, your personal history with loss, and the support around you. This is why two people grieving the same loss can have vastly different experiences.
Please remember these models are not a roadmap to follow. They are simply a reassurance that whatever you are feeling, in whatever order it presents itself, is a normal part of a deeply human experience.
There’s no set timeline for grief. Anyone suggesting you should “move on” by a certain date does not understand loss. Many people experience what’s known as uncomplicated grief, where intense emotions gradually soften. Often, the first six months to two years are the hardest, though this varies significantly from person to person. And rather than vanishing, feelings usually just become less overwhelming.
For some people, grief remains acutely painful and disruptive well beyond what might be expected. Known as complicated or prolonged grief, this can present as an enduring difficulty engaging with daily life, a persistent sense of being stuck, or a longing that shows no sign of easing with time.
If this sounds familiar, it may be beneficial to seek additional support from a grief counsellor or therapist.
Ultimately, the stages of grief are simply a way of describing the emotions that many people experience in the wake of loss. Whether you count five or seven, it’s not a linear path or a set of required steps. Grief is personal, unpredictable, and unique to each person. There’s no right way to grieve, no timeline to follow, no correct order for these feelings to surface. It’ll transform you, but it doesn’t have to break you. Your path through loss deserves respect and patience. Allow space for whatever feelings arise, seek support when you need it, and trust that the pain will ease and become more bearable with time.